Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
