I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
