Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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