i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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