3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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