Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
