I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
