If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
