Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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