I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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