I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
