woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
