There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
