I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
