what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
