Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
