M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Randomize
