I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
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My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
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The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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