Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
