I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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