So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
