Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
