Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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