birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
