did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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