You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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