Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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