she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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