not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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