Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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