Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
