Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
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Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
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Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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