So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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