My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
