we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
