so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
