thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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