We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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