Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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