when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
