I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
