if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
