dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
