and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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