so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
