feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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