She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
