she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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