Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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