I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
