Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
