just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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