Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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