I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
