i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
