Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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