Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
