I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Randomize
