His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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