you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?