You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
